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Murder on the Planet Express/Transcript
Bender: Are you about to brush your teeth? Fry: Yeah. Why? Bender: No reason. Fry: What's so funny? Bender: Eh, nothing. Fry: Wait a minute. Have you been using my toothbrush to polish your ass again? Bender: What?! Me, Bender the robot? Fry: There's metal flakes on it and they look like ass flakes. Bender: How dare you accuse me! I would never do something like that to a friend Every single night while he's sleeping. goes to the Spy Store Nine: Who sent you?! Why are you dressed like Fry? Fry: Because I'm Fry. Nine: Oh! Fry, you old paranoid kook. What can I get you? Fry: A hidden camera for my bathroom. I suspect a certain robot of unauthorized butt brushing. Nine: Got ya. What you need is one of these holographic minicams. Films in every direction at once and stores the video on a remote 15-inch floppy disc. Fry: I'll take it! Nine: Excellent. Let me just wrap that up for you. uses his metal hat to wrap up the camera and can hear everyone's thoughts Who said that?! to Planet Express Hermes: You ate my lunch again, you tainted oyster! Zoidberg: That's a lie! I brought my own lunch today. Leela: Hiyah! Hah! Ho-ho! Heeyah! Amy, quit using my punching bag for golf ball target practice. It's all lumpy. Amy: It wasn't me. And anyway, you're the one who's been using my golf clubs to pound dents out of the ship. Leela: I didn't bend your golf club. And the next time I don't bend it, it'll be over your head. Hermes: All right, people and other things, we got some big deliveries coming up, so... Fry: Your attention, please. I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today. Zoidberg: We gather here every day. Fry: I hereby, in front of all of you, accuse Bender of polishing his ass with my toothbrush. Bender: Lies! He's just jealous that my ass is shinier than his teeth. Fry: Ha-ha, we'll find out who's lying, my friend. Because I planted a spy camera in our apartment! Let's just see what you were up to last night while I was asleep. Bender: Yes, let's do see. Fry: Okay, get ready. yet Uh, keep watching. nothing Let me fast forward a little. do you think? Huh. Well, sorry, Bender. I guess I owe you an apology Hey, wait! What's going on through that doorway? Bender(in clip): Let's go, Doc, chop him up. I got a rich customer needs that kidney, stat. Bender: There, see? I didn't use your toothbrush. Fry: You stole my kidney! Bender: Don't try to change the subject. Leela: Enough, you two. It just so happens that I also planted a spy camera to catch Amy using my punching bag. Scruffy: Yet still, I feel empty inside. Zoidberg(in clip): That's the most uncomfortable sleeping bag I ever slept in. Leela: You were living in my punching bag? Zoidberg: If you call that living. Amy: You bent my golf club? Scruffy: Yep. And yet, what did it solve? What did the violence solve? Hermes: Enough of this foolishness! Amazingly, I, too, set up a spy camera to catch Zoidberg stealing my lunch. Bender: Yeah, I'll keep the kidney cool, no problem. Crew: Bleah! Fry: You ate my kidney? Leela: I thought it was one of Hermes' exotic lunches! Hermes: You can't eat my exotic lunch! That's a serious offense, woman! Fry: She ate my kidney! Leela: I'm sorry. I just get really hungry about 11:30. That's not an excuse. It's just an explanation of what happened. Professor: I don't feel well. I'm beginning to think my kidney transplant was a total rip-off. Bender: Let's take a look-see. Hermes: My Manwich! Professor: No wonder my urine smells like a meal. Enough, you babbling boobs! How can this company function when no one trusts each other? Something must be done. But first I have to see a man about some ground beef. Professor: Look what you made me do. We're going on a corporate team-building retreat. Crew: What?!,Oh, man!, Come on!, No! Dan McMasters: Hello, Planet Express! I'm Dan McMasters, and I'll be your retreat leader for a week of fun and personal empowerment. Professor: I hope you're happy! Leela: Who are you? Jackie "Jr." : Jackie Jr., Ma'am. Scruffy: Jackie Jr.'s my apprentice. I figure if he's gonna work here, he might as well get to know the team. Jackie "Jr.": Who's she? Scruffy: I don't know. McMasters: So I hear we've been having some trust issues, huh? Well, for the next week, we'll be doing hundreds of trust falls from every possible height and level of gravity. Bender: Or we could not do that. McMasters: At the start of every retreat, I like to demonstrate the power of trust by finding a perfect stranger to be my assistant. Leela, do me a solid and pick up the next space hitchhiker you see. Hitchhiker (Blorgulax): You going to Andromeda or thereabouts? McMaster: No, Sir, but how would you like to be part of an exciting business retreat? Blorgulax: Mm, just don't drop me off on an asteroid like the last guy did. McMasters: Okay, team, if I can trust a total stranger, you can sure as heck trust your own coworkers. In fact, I'm gonna make the first trust fall of the week. Backwards into the waiting arms of my new assistant. Just stand here like so. Good. I'll fall backwards, and you catch me. I trust you! Hermes: Where'd it go?! I thought we installed alien-proof air vents! Scruffy: It's on my list. Fry: What's happening?! Leela: The ship's lost power! Professor: Oh, my, adrift in deepest space with a vicious alien killer aboard! Any one of us could be next. Fry, Bender, Jackie Jr., Leela Bender: That took longer than I expected. Professor: Quick, into the ship's panic room! Fry: I didn't know we had a panic room. Leela: Me, neither. It really could have come in handy, like, 50 times. Professor: We'll be safe in here. The walls are impregnable, and we have enough food and board games to survive for weeks. (the oxogen fan shuts down)We'll be dead within an hour. Leela: All life support has shut down! Bender: So you're all gonna die? Then who'll ghost-write my autobiography? Professor: Now hold on. There may be a slim chance of survival. We'll have to split into three teams.Hermes and Zoidberg will crawl through the air vents and restart the life support fan.Amy and Leela will retrieve the steering wheel so we can steer the ship from here. And Fry and Bender, you'll spacewalk onto the hull and relight the pilot light on the engine. Fry: Aw, man, why do I have to team up with him? Amy: And me with her? Hermes: And I with it? Professor: Hush, hush, hush, hush! There's not time to lose. Just be careful. The creature could be anywhere Except in this room. Scruffy: The name of the game is Candy Land. Fry: You go first. I don't want you locking me out there like HAL. Bender: Still don't trust me, huh? Well, you can take your lack of trust and jam it in your kidney hole. Fry: The only person I trust is myself. Help! I forgot my magnetic shoes! Bender: Just stay out of my way, boy. There. Who needs teamwork when you got Bender? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Help! My gyroscope melted! I'm out of control!Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hermes: If the creature kills me, I just hope it doesn't make me into a sandwich and leave it in the fridge where some crawfish can get at it. Zoidberg: For the last time, Hermes, I didn't steal your lunch. It was Leela. She beat me to it. Hermes: Put a squid in it. We're here. Zoidberg: Oy, there's the problem. Jackie "Jr."'s skull is blocking the doodad. Hooray! Everything's fine! Hermes: Something's coming! Oh, no, no. Oh, it's just a chinchilla. What a cute little Help! I'm stuck! Zoidberg: Don't panic! We'll be okay. Leela: The monster won't even know the ship has a basement. Unless you posted it on Facebook. Like the last secret I told you. Amy: I didn't know that was a secret. Lots of people wear a jockstrap thinking it's a thong. Leela: What was that? Amy, run! Amy: Quit telling me what to do. Leela: Now will you run? Amy: Okay. Bender: Do something, Fry! Not that. Stop dying and fix my gyroscope. Fry: I don't even know what a gyroscope is. Wait, I have an idea. Bender: Hey, what are you doing? Cut that out. Hey, you got me under control. Fry: Fry and Bender! A winning combination. Bender: Let's call ourselves Friender. Both: Friender, Friender, Friender. Friender, Frender, Friender. Friender Leela: I got the steering wheel. Leela and Amy! A winning combination. Amy: Yay, Lamey! Hermes: The creature! It's attacking me! Leela: Hiyah! Yah! Yah! Zoidberg: This is a job for Hermberg. You fend off the creature with kicks and farts while I un-stick you with my slippery ink. Lamey: Hermes? We thought you were the creature. Hermberg: And we thought you were the creature. Friender: We made it, too. Bender: But my gyroscope's permanently busted. I guess I'll be dizzy and uncoordinated for the rest of my Yeah, it's fixed! My coordination's back, baby. All: Yeah. Leela: I've got navigation. We're on our way home. Professor(Blorgulax): It just shows how everything is possible when you work together. Speaking of which, I have a surprise announcement. There never was a creature. Surprise. The whole adventure was just a training exercise to teach you the value of teamwork. Leela: Huh, I should be mad, but it worked pretty well. Amy: You were really brave, Leela. Leela: And you seriously nailed that thing with your golf shot. Bender: Fry, you saved my ass out there. Fry: Aw, I couldn't let anything happen to something that shiny. Hermes: And, Dr. Zoidberg, it was your quick thinking. Professor (Blorgulax): Bad news, everyone. The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes. Scruffy: I weren't fooled. The real Professor wun't never've Dern. Professor : Bad news, everyone. The creature is a shape-shifter. It knocked me out and took my form so it could prey on poor Hermes and Scruffy. Bender: Nice try, buddy. Leela: We're not buying it this time. Professor: But-but I'm the real Professor. I can prove it. If you'll step up real close to my microscope here, I'll show you that my DNA is completely Fry: Is it safe to come Leela: It's time we solved this problem the old-fashioned way. By shooting it. Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you can't give everybody guns. What if one of us is the creature? It could be any of us.Fry.Leela.Amy. Zoidberg. Zoidberg. Zoidberg (Blorgulax): One of us must be the bad creature. Zoidberg: Is it me maybe? Aw. Leela: Quick, in here. We're the only ones left who can trust each other. I know you well enough that no creature could ever fool me. No matter how much it looked like you. Fry (Blorgulax): Leela, I'm honored, but for your own safety, you shouldn't trust anyone, not even me. Leela: But I'm just so scared. Kiss me. Fry (Blorgulax): Easy, easy, you're biting my lip. Leela: Sorry. Fry (Blorgulax): Ow, ow, ow! Wait a second, I know what's going on here. I'm the monster. Amy: The creature was right behind me. I don't know where it went. Bender (Blorgulax) : Just leave me alone. I'm really, really scared. Amy: Uh, Bender? Bender (Blorgulax): What? Amy: Where'd you get those ears? Bender (Blorgulax) : I've always had ears. Amy: No, you haven't. Bender (Blorgulax): All right, fine, you got me. I can't keep track of every little detail. Fry: Okay, to see if you're the real Bender, I'm gonna ask you something only he would know. On your last birthday, what gift did I get you? Bender: I don't remember. Fry: Me neither. Bender: Okay, I'll ask you one. What's the square root of 2,345. 4? Fry: That's not something I would know. Bender: Oh, yeah. Your turn. Fry: Um, what color is my shirt? Bender: If I were the creature, I could just look at your shirt, dum-dum. Fry: Good point. Bender: Aw, never mind this. In case I'm about to die, I just want you to know that I did polish my ass with your toothbrush. Fry: Thanks for telling me, buddy. And to be honest, I am jealous of how shiny your ass is, and sometimes at night, I unpolish it with sandpaper. Bender: Aw, I trust you. Fry: I trust you, too. McMasters: Congratulations. You two have really learned the power of trust. Fry: Get away from us, you monster. McMasters: Don't worry. There isn't really a monster. And no one really got eaten. The whole thing was just part of our team-building experience. And you two did terrific. Bender: But-but what about that hitchhiker? McMasters: You mean my partner, Blorgulax? He does make a convincing hitchhiker. But he majored in business at Princeton. Fry: But we saw him change shape. McMasters: Yes, he is a shape-shifter. But he uses his shape-shifting for team-building, not evil. He pretends to eat some people. The others have to work together. We hand out a few tote bags. And boom! Four percent increase in productivity minimum. Fry: So no one's dead? McMasters: Of course not. All your friends are on the bridge having a pizza party. So come on, put the guns down and join us. They shoot Mcmasters together multiple times until he is a pile of ashes. Fry: Ooh. I think it moved. They continue shooting Hermes: Hey guys, are you coming to the party or not? Where's McMasters? He turned out to be such a nice guy, didn't he? Zoidberg: Totally, we should go on a retreat like this every year. Amy: Yeah! Every year! Morbo: In other news celebrated businessman Dan McMasters was last seen two weeks ago. And authority's are now calling his disappearance a homicide. Fry: We can't ever tell anyone what really happened. Bender: Never ever! I can trust you right? Fry: Can I trust you? Bender: My lips couldn't be more sealed, even if I had lips. Linda: Police have no leads, but are offering a one million dollar reward, for information leading to the arrest of the killer. In the event there are two killers, police are offering an unusual deal Total immunity for the one that turns in the other, plus a double reward of two million dollars. Category:Season 7 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts